A.A.W.W.W Syndrome

To whom it may concern:

We, at the New York Hospital for Completely Made Up Diseases, wish to advise that we are currently caring for one Timothy "Spiderman" Hansen (most likely a moniker, but strangely this is his name as indicated on his passport). 

Mr Spiderman Hansen is currently in a semi-vegetative state, only communicating with our doctors with a series of non-sensical goo-goo noises and scrunch-faces. We believe that he suffered a catastrophic mental breakdown as the result of an extremely rare and dangerous condition known as Acute Absorption of Widdle Woo Woosiecutsiedoodles (better known by its acronym "A.A.W.W.W. Syndrome"). This insidiously crippling disorder is brought about by a sudden and intense exposure to "Cute". The sufferer finds his or her carefully constructed wall of cynicism completely worn down, resulting in unnaturally high levels of good will towards humanity and the world in general. 

We were able to go through Mr Spiderman Hansen's photo album and reassemble the weekend that brought about his breakdown; due to the extreme levels of cute we strongly advise utmost caution in viewing these photos, and at the first signs of unnaturally high levels of good-will towards the world please call your local Bob Katter or Rev. Fred Nile to get really f*cking disillusioned again.

As you can see, his weekend began innocuously enough:

Aww... Paula and Stashu... Cute!

Hai-Nhu with Evelyn and baby Bea! So CUTE!!!

 But things rapidly took a turn for the worse:

OMG!!! Rhea with a KITTEN!!! SO CUTE!!! OMG!!!!

The introduction of kittens into the mix proved to be the beginning of the downward slide for Mr Spiderman Hansen:

OMG!!! "I can haz kitteh?!" OMG OMG OMG!! CUTE!!!!

THEY THINK THEYZ PEEPLZ!!!! WIDDLE WOO WOOS!!!

Things only became more surreal as the weekend progressed:

Evelyn is JUMPING!!! I WANTS TO JUMPING TOO!!!!

I IZ JUMPING 2!!! CUUUUUUTE!!! gngnAAAARGH!!!! 

NOW I IZ ON A HORSY!!! NEEIGH!!! OMG!!!!

IZ SMALL HORSY!!! IZ KYEUTEST HORSY EVA!!! OMG!!!

The situation became critical however when Mr Spiderman Hansen apparently went to a lake. Small children and water are a bad enough combination:

KIDZ IN DE WATA!!!! OMGGGGGBSgajhzguydfq&*dF!@

CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!!!!!!

....gnnGGnngn...ggnugnngGU...

... but in his weakened state Mr Spiderman Hansen was unable to resist succumbing to the mind-numbing cuteness of...

 

PUPPEEEEIIIZZEZ!!!

PUPPIEZZEZ SLEEPZ!!

PUPPIEZZ HAZ MONKEY!!!! OOMMMGGGG!!!!

PUPPIEZZ SLEEPZ IN A BED!!!! PUPPIEZ IZNT PEEPLZE!! PUPPOESIAIYOIQJWKQJGSNASMGhasfj,.as

It was at this point that Mr Spiderman Hansen became catatonic with sugary, diabetic-inducing levels of cutsie-wootsieness. Fortunately he was transported to our facility in the nick of time, where our crack team of experts delivered the only known treatment of A.A.W.W.W. Syndrome: Marilyn Manson reading excerpts of Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar combined with repeated forced viewings of Bjork's Dancer in the Dark, Clockwork Orange style (bizarrely, this was covered by his Health Insurance). Mr Spiderman Hansen is showing signs of improvement, and we're confident that within a few weeks he should be able to return to work, once again ready to be crushed by the weight of a cruel and indifferent world.


Yours Sincerely,


The New York Hospital for Completely Made Up Diseases.